The Number One Social Skill
Jul 2nd, 2008 | By Bryce Beattie | Category: Around The WebRecently there was an article on lifehack.org that urged readers to “Get Out More.” http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/get-out-more-6-ways-to-be-more-social.html I can’t stress too much how important this is. As you get out, your scope of real experience with broaden and your life will feel more “lived” in stead of “just passed you by.”
One problem we face today, however is a lack of real social skills. Too many people sit behind a computer or a telephone all day, writing inflammatory posts or yelling at sales reps.
So as you go about your new social life, there is one skill you should learn before any other.
Listening
I know, it sounds dumb and simple. But guess what? If you learn to listen, people will naturally like you. You’ll meet more people, get better ideas, and basically enjoy life more as soon as you really learn to listen.
In the greatest social skills book of all time, (How to Win Friends and Influence People) Dale Carnegie tells the story that illustrates the point-
…we were at a dinner party. There must have been a dozen other guests, but I violated all the cannons of courtesy, ignored everyone else, and talked for hours to the botanist.
Midnight came. I said good night to everyone and departed. The botanist then turned to our host and paid me several flattering compliments. I was “most stimulating.” I was this and that, and he ended by saying I was a “most interesting conversationalist.”
An interesting conversationalist? Why I had said hardly anything at all. I couldn’t have said anything if I had wanted to without changing the subject, for I didn’t know anything more about botany than I knew about the anatomy of a penguin. But I had done this: I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone. “Few human beings.” wrote Jack Woodford in Strangers in Love, “few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.”
Go get out and do something, start a conversation, and then start listening.
This is something I’ve been thinking about for the past few days. I definitely need to get out and socialize more. I stay home out of sheer laziness way too often. Time to get out! Thanks! Was good to see you again at the reception.
I couldn’t agree with you more: listening is one of the top social skills. Often, we tend to be good “hearers” rather than good “listeners” - the difference being is that rather than hearing someone else’s words, we listen to their meaning. For me, I have to work at being a good listener but it’s really paid off - I’ve made many friends and have good relationships with my clients…and it all comes from listening to them. Thanks for highlighting the importance of this skill!
Laurie,
I have to constantly put effort into being a good listener too - and it’s strange how powerful of a rapport builder it is when you decide to pay attention. One of the challenges of ego is that the smarter and more competent we become, the less willing we are to deeply listen.
I’ve always liked Steven R. Covey’s statement, “’Seek First to Understand’ involves a very deep shift in paradigm. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives.”
Also, it shows that you’ve got a pretty handle on listening.